Friends aren't forever.
And that's okay.
Some people do have a friend or two that they meet in the sandbox and remain friends with for life. Many people do not have such long-lasting friendships. Either way, we all have many friends throughout our lives. Usually the friendships last for a few years and then kind of fade away. This happens for a whole host of reasons: one of you moves away; your friend gets too busy with work/school/kids/hobby to stay in touch; you start dating someone who can't stand your friend; your friend marries someone you cannot stand; I could go on... and on and on. We also have a lot of situational friends in our lives: friends at a certain job or gym or dog park or apartment complex, friends at school. Sure, some of these situational friendships will stick once the situation ends, but most won't.
And that's life. We all know it. No big deal. Most of these friendships will just fade away from lack of use. A few will end with a fight. And then there are the ones that are currently on my mind: the ones you actively want--oftentimes need--to end.
These are the friendships that just don't work for you anymore, though they may still be working for the other person. Sometimes these are just unsatisfying relationships that drain your time without adding anything to your life. Other times these are actually unhealthy relationships. Here we have the friends who expect you to be there for them for every hangnail, but don't send so much as a text with a sad smiley when your grandma dies; the friends who manage to make you feel stupid at every turn; the friends who don't hesitate to tell you negative things about yourself--all in the name of honesty and friendship of course--but never seem to have a compliment ready... about anything; the friends who are so negative about life in general that they are absolutely draining to be around.
Which brings us to the title of this post, how do you break up with a friend? Do you just do the avoidy thing until enough time has gone by that you can pretend the friendship just faded away? Do you engineer a fight that you can use as an excuse to exit stage right? Or do you have a conversation with the person, telling them that the friendship is over?
That last option might seem odd and I can't say I've ever been involved in such a break up (on the giving or receiving end), but isn't that the way it should go? If the person has been a friend of yours, don't you owe it to yourself, to your friend, and to the relationship itself? After all, if you were dating the person you'd make a point of breaking it off wouldn't you? Why do we treat friendships differently? Someone you've dated for a few months gets the respect of an in-person dumping (usually, but of course there's always the jerk who doesn't bother to mention that they've dumped you or who dumps you via text; we're all above that kind of behavior though... right?!), but a friend of 2 or 3 or 4 years just gets ignored? How is that right?
But... how do you do it? What do you say? Whether we have used them ourselves or had them used on us or just watch a lot of TV, we know the standard break-up lines for romantic relationships. The most popular seeming to be "it's not you, it's me," whatever that's supposed to mean. But what do you say to a friend? The same thing? Do you get into all the whys? It seems to me--especially considering the break up I'm currently attempting--that going through the actual whys would do nothing positive for anyone and would likely lead to arguing and hurt feelings. Of course, if I don't do that, I'm not terribly clear on my options as avoidance will be difficult in this particular instance. Plus it's the coward's way out and I'm trying to be an adult about this.
If and when I manage to pull this off, I'll let you know how it went down! Meanwhile, feel free to weigh in via the comments.
