Time for a timeout...

Okay, children, it's time to stop reacting. Time to stop holding grudges. Time to stop peeing in the sandbox. Time to stop worrying about who looks strong and who looks weak. Time to stop thinking we're better than everyone else. Time to stop having hissy fits and feeling like we're going to vomit whenever someone takes offense at us telling them that we're better than them.

It's time to put on our big boy/girl pants and think before we speak. Time to talk to each other. Time to realize that when Putin's is the calmest, most reasonable voice in the room, perhaps we need to stop and consider that. Time to not dismiss everything else he said just because he (like everyone else on the planet) does not like being told that we're better.

If you need to sit on the step by yourself for a minute to calm down, do feel free to do that. Come back when you're feeling a little more reasonable and can actually add something constructive to the conversation.

Love, love, love...

I'm neither a poet nor a songwriter. I don't claim to know all that much about love. But I do know a couple of things.

Being loved should not be something you need to defend against. If being told that you are loved causes you to firmly slam your walls of defense into place, you really need to think about that.

It shouldn't hurt to be loved. Loving someone else can hurt. But being loved? That shouldn't hurt. If someone loving you hurts you, then, again, you really need to think about that.

Love isn't a threat or a sentence. If it feels that way, then you need to give it a good hard look.

Nothing is required of you when someone loves you. Just keep being you. Clearly that really is enough.

Love shouldn't come with conditions or expectations. If it does, it probably isn't love.

When someone opens their heart to you and lets you in, recognize the honor of that. You do not have to love the person back. You don't even have to understand why the person loves you. Just accept it for what it is.

Being loved is a gift.

1/2 + 1/2 + 1/4 = uuhhhh...

A recent article in Education Week discussed the hows of teaching math in elementary school. More specifically, the discussion was about the teaching of fractions. The content of the article itself is not what I'm here to comment on. Rather, it was one of the comments (yeah, I know, big surprise):

I'd like to point out that the amount of times I've needed to add or subtract or multiply or do ANYTHING with fractions in my adult life is absolutely zero. Never. Never, ever.

I'll ignore the fact that the woman who wrote this post needs a grammar refresher and stick to her overall message.

Never? She's never used fractions in her adult life? So she doesn't cook? Doesn't shop sales? Doesn't tip in restaurants? Doesn't ever use cash (because what are coins but fractions of a dollar)?

This brought to mind an actual conversation I had with an actual person I actually know regarding algebra. The person was attempting to point out to me the folly of having to learn algebra, the ridiculousness of learning to solve for x. According to this person, this is simply not a skill that regular people ever need.

My response: seriously? You're kidding me, right? You've never figured out how much gas you can get with your last $20? Never figured out how many slices of pizza each person in your family gets? Never needed to figure out how many pizzas to buy for your super bowl party? Never calculated how long it will take to get from your house to your grandma's house based on number of miles and approximate speed? Or how much gas you'll need to get to grandma's house?

Every day. Every frickin’ day. And that you don't get that you are essentially solving for x for all of these routine tasks makes me very sad. Because clearly, you missed the actual point of learning it! You missed the actual, overall lesson. And I’m guessing you didn’t do that well in algebra either, because when you miss the point, you kind of suck at those story problems.

And now you go around telling kids in school that algebra is stupid and there’s no reason to ever learn it, and those kids listen to you and so they don’t pay attention and learn the point either and so… and on and on and on it goes…

I need feminism because...

"I need feminism because..." is a very interesting campaign by students at the University of Cambridge. In short, they gave people a white poster that said "I need feminism because..." and then the people would fill something in and a picture would be taken. There's a Facebook page that includes many of the pictures. Some are funny, others are very much not, and all of them are meaningful.

I first learned of this project via an article (a blurb, really) on msn.com. As usual, I made the mistake of reading through some of the comments. It's somewhat amazing to me that in the year 2013, so many are still so clueless about what feminism is. Take the author of this comment, for instance: I need feminism so my wife will mow the yard, change the oil, wash the car, etc.... Oh the ignorance.

Here is my response to those people:

Feminists don't want to be like men; we don't want to be men. We want to be treated as though men and women are, on balance, equal. Like we're worthwhile human beings. We do not want to be treated like property or like second class citizens. We want equal pay for equal work. We want to have opportunities available to us that are outside of the traditional female opportunities. If we want to work outside of the home as, say, an engineer, we want that to be an okay choice. If we want to stay home and raise the kids, we want that to be an okay choice, too. How husbands and wives divvy up the household chores is up to them. If the two decide between them that the husband is on trash, lawn, and car duty while the wife is on kitchen, laundry, and shopping duty, that's up to them. If they decide that the wife is on kitchen, car, and lawn duty while the husband is on laundry, shopping, and trash duty, that's up to them. Feminism doesn't mean a woman has to do her share of the traditional male duties around the house while a man has to do his share of the traditional female duties around the house. Feminism means that the wife is not obligated to be barefoot in the kitchen while her man is hunting. If wife and husband want that arrangement, that's cool. But if they don't, that's cool, too. That's feminism.

So, sorry, but having feminism in the world does not necessarily get you out of changing the oil in your car.

Where are we going...

Just ran across an article in The Columbus Dispatch that some of you may find interesting. Seems the head of our waterways at the Ohio EPA (George Elmaraghy) is resigning. And the story on the street is that he is pretty much being forced out by Kasich & His Cronies. Why, you may ask? (Or perhaps not as we've all heard this tune before.) Elmaraghy does not just roll over and let the coal industry have their way, and of course coal has a lot of money, a decent chunk of which it has shared with K&C. Now mind you, there are all kinds of problems with the water in this state. Don't think that Elmaraghy is some kind of aging hippie. Again, see the water in this state.

But even more interesting -- and the reason I'm actually posting -- was one of the comments to the article. I won't copy over the whole thing here. If you want to read it all, follow the link to the article and read it for yourself. This person's entire comment was quite thoughtful, but this is the part that really stuck with me:

We must abandon the "corporate ethic" (an oxymoron if there ever was one) of immediate gratification/what's going on this quarter and start planning for our future, or we will join the other societies of the Earth who vanished- the Mayans, Romans, etc.- all very smart, very powerful people who lost sight of their future. -- Pete Myer

That, in a nutshell, is the source of so many of our problems today: we don't look to the future. We are concerned only with the now. Granted, the live every day as though it were your last notion is a good one. On an individual level. On a societal level it spells disaster. On a societal level it is complete suicide. Societies are supposed to want to continue long into the future. Societies are supposed to want to grow and improve. Societies are supposed to want to leave the world a better place for future generations.

We as a society are not very good at that. We have gotten greedy and lazy and we have stopped caring about each other. Unless and until that changes, I see doom and destruction in our future. Humans as a collective are frickin' brilliant. There is nothing we cannot achieve. There is no problem we cannot solve.

The key, though, is that we have to listen to each other. We have to work together. We have to acknowledge/admit the problem before we can make real progress on the solutions. And as long as we continue to bicker and fight and point fingers, we continue down this path of destruction. The farther down that path we go, the more difficult it will be to turn back. Eventually, it will be too late.

As individuals there are things we can do. And one of them is to vote. Voter turnout is abysmal, even in years when a president is being elected. That has to change. We have to take our responsibilities seriously and turn out at the polls. And when we are deciding who will get our votes, we need to look beyond the commercials. Advertising, we should all know by now, is not about spreading truth. Rather, it is about selling a product. When it comes to political commercials, the point is to buy your vote. Don't let yourself be bought and paid for. Pay attention and learn something and vote from your heart and your brain.

Also remember that your responsibility as a citizen and a society member does not end when you cast your ballot. Whether your guy/gal wins or loses, stay on top of them. When they do things you don't like, when they submit or support bills that you think just aren't right, tell them. These days it is incredibly easy to contact our elected officials and give them feedback. You may be surprised at the number of personal responses you'll receive. Yes, there will be many form letter responses. But mixed in with those, you really will find thoughtful responses from the man himself (or woman herself… I hate "gender equality" in writing!).

How this turned into a lecture on voting, I do not know. But there you have it. It's not hard to stay informed and it doesn't actually take all that much time. So do the future a favor and become an active citizen.

Somebody to love...

Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
...
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
...

Everyday - I try and I try and I try -
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm goin' crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
Got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe
Yeah - yeah yeah yeah

Oh Lord
Somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat
I'm ok, I'm alright
Ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
Someday I'm gonna be free, Lord!

Find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

That of course was by Queen. I love Queen, but don't generally think of them as having been all that deep. I always think of fun when I think of them. So the sadness of this song tends to take me by surprise. Yes, every time I hear it. 

One of my favorite lines: I just keep losing my beat. Haven't we all felt that at some point? I know I certainly have. 

This song also brings to mind a question. Loving others is supposed to be more fulfilling than being loved. I don't argue that and no one bats an eye when people search for someone to love. But what about searching for someone who will love you? Is it somehow selfish to undertake that search? Because it seems to me that finding somebody to love is easier than finding someone who will love you back. 

An interesting read...

Though I think I read a decent variety of books, I still feel the need to say that this book is a somewhat different read for me. I am enjoying it though and I do recommend it.

Check it out:

April showers...

So my month definitely started off with showers. No need to look outside, I'm not talking about literal rain showers. Nope, I'm talking about the even more fun (not) emotional showers.

And now I'm getting sick, too. Yay. Sitting at work, my head started hurting and I could feel a low-grade fever starting to warm me up and further fog up my head (as if the mucous and aforementioned April showers weren't doing enough of that already).

Basically, I need someone to come sing 'Soft Kitty' to me while rubbing my head. I guess I will just cuddle up with my puppy and my blankie and hope for some healing sleep.

Frustrating...

I have questions and no answers. It's frustrating.

I want to talk to you but can't. It's frustrating.

I want to see you but can't. It's frustrating.

I want to swallow without pain but can't. It's frustrating.

I want someone to sing Soft Kitty to me but there isn't anyone to do it. It's frustrating.

I miss you. It's frustrating.

Will you remember or will you forget...

So TV/movie generation that we are, don't you sometimes wish that your life had a soundtrack? I mean, sure, we all have songs we turn to in times of happiness, sadness, grief, longing, celebration, even boredom. But that isn't the same as a real-time soundtrack that you have no control over that both reflects what is going on right that moment and whispers clues about what's coming. I've always wanted a soundtrack. Alas, I have had to settle for those oh so seldom soundtrack moments. They are rare, before this weekend I couldn't tell you the last time I had such a moment. This one though I won't forget. No matter what happens in the future, that song playing at that moment was just too memorable.

Those songs we all know, have all heard a million times, can all sing along with to a point, do you ever look up the lyrics to see what exactly they are about?

Remember the Simple Minds song from The Breakfast Club? Pretty sure it plays at the end when the kids are leaving, going their own ways. Ever read the lyrics on that one? Well I hadn't. And as that was my most recent soundtrack moment, I decided to look up the lyrics. Here you go...

"Don't You (Forget About Me)"

Hey, hey, hey ,hey
Ohhh...

Won't you come see about me?
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby

Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out and
Love's strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on

Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart, baby

Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me

Will you stand above me?
Look my way, never love me
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down

Will you recognise me?
Call my name or walk on by
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down, down

Hey, hey, hey, hey
Ohhhh.....

Don't you try to pretend
It's my feeling we'll win in the end
I won't harm you or touch your defenses
Vanity and security

Don't you forget about me
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby
Going to take you apart
I'll put us back together at heart, baby

Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me

As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
When you walk away

Or will you walk away?
Will you walk on by?
Come on - call my name
Will you call my name?

I say:
La la la...

Any surprises in there? The bold parts are the parts I didn't know were there that surprised me. I always hear the song as I saw the movie: in the movie I thought the kids went their separate ways. Period. The hope was that they would remember some of what they had learned that day, but I didn't think any of them would remain in each others lives. And so that's how I always heard the song. A plea to be remembered in some way. But after reading the lyrics, I see more hope in the song. The singer isn't pleading for anything. He is stating his case, and he is telling you not to forget. The singer thinks things will be okay, that what was broken can be made right again, and so now it's up to you... just call his name, and he's there.

Why am I obsessing over this? Well, like I said, this was a recent soundtrack moment for me. I tend to hear the song as kind of a sad song, and I didn't want to have a sad song playing in my head every time I think of that particular moment. The moment itself was difficult enough without adding a sad song. Now that I've read the lyrics, it's not such a sad song to me. It's more hopeful. And so that helps a little. Or at least, it doesn't make it worse.

Keep your church out of it...

So the Supreme Court heard arguments yesterday on California's Prop 8. For those who don't know (in other words, for those who have been living under a rock), Prop 8 outlawed same-sex marriage after thousands of such marriages had been legally performed.

The state of California has chosen not to defend the law against the plaintiffs' case. So a group of people claiming to represent all those who support the law are (attempting to) defend it.

This is not a case that the U.S. Supreme Court was required to hear, and I've always been surprised that they took it up. Though it would be easy enough to craft a ruling that affected only California and did not affect the legal state of same-sex marriage anywhere else, I have always thought they would boot it on standing. I hope they don't. They could potentially craft a ruling that technically affected only CA, but that paves the way for the rest of the country to allow same-sex marriages.

We shall see. Though we still have a couple of months to wait for their decision.

So here's the thing: there is no argument against same-sex marriage that can stand under even a tiny bit of scrutiny.

People say it will degrade the state of marriage, but no one can actually explain how.

People say it's bad for the kids, but no one can prove that. What's more, study after study shows that same-sex unions do not negatively impact children. The American Academy of Pediatrics has come out in support of same-sex marriage, saying that it actually benefits kids (imagine that, kids actually benefit from their parents being married to each other). Additionally, some states allow gay/lesbian couples to adopt. CA is one of these states. It is difficult to argue against same-sex marriage because it harms the kids, while actually allowing these same couples to adopt. (Are you starting to see why the state of CA itself passed on defending this law?)

People say that the purpose of marriage is procreation and since gay/lesbian couples cannot, on their own, procreate, they should be denied the right to marry. This seems to be the latest argument (the anti camp has to keep making things up as argument after argument fails to tred water). But surely you see the problem here? What about hetero couples who wish to marry and not have kids? What about hetero couples who wish to marry who cannot procreate, whether due to age or other physical issues? Should these couples be denied the right to marry? Pretty much everyone says that no, these couples should not be denied the right of marriage and that to do so would actually be unconstitutional.

And of course, people say that according to their church and their reading of The Bible, same-sex marriage is not a God-sanctioned activity. Here's the main problem with that argument: no one is asking your God or your church to approve. People who love each other simply want the legal right to marry and to then receive the same rights and benefits accorded to all the hetero married couples out there. You know, little things like being able to make medical decisions, to enjoy the tax benefits, to be able to have joint insurance, to have their marriage recognized in every state to which they may move or travel.

We are talking about a legal status. And that has absolutely nothing to do with your church. If your church is against gays and lesbians, then so be it. No court ruling will affect your church's position on same-sex marriage just as your church's position should have no affect on the legal status of... well, anyone.

Try...

Where there is desire
There is going to be a flame

Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You gotta get up and
Try and try and try

You gotta get up and try

-Pink, Try

She's singing about love and relationships, but really this has a broader application: Wanting something creates vulnerability, it opens you up to getting hurt. But you have to keep trying. You just have to.

Rent or Chemo?

As we all know, the health insurance situation in this country is a depressing and disgraceful joke. I have a friend who is gearing up for his third round with brain cancer. He just turned 30 last summer. The tumor is inoperable and has been growing deeper into his brain. As you can imagine, he is really looking forward to the 43 days of chemo and radiation that he has in his near future. He knows how he does with chemo (not well), but the radiation is a mystery to him.

As if that's not enough to stress a guy out, he also has to figure out how to pay for everything. He is off work on disability. He does have Medicare, but that's not exactly a free ride: There are still deductibles and co-pays; claims can be turned down if Medicare feels they are not necessary; not everyone accepts Medicare, so you don't necessarily have your pick of doctors unless you want to pick up the bill yourself; and, of course, there are limits. Medicare is not an endless resource. As with other insurance, there is a dollar limit per illness.

Add to all of that his rent, electric, car payment, gas, and all the other normal expenses we all have all the time. As I said before, he's off on disability, so of course he isn't drawing his full pay.

So what is he supposed to do? If you think his case is unique, you are either naive or a fool. It isn't. This happens all the time. In the United States of America, where the majority of the richest people in the entire world live, people have to make decisions everyday about where to spend their money: the doctor or the rent; their prescriptions or food; Christmas for their kids or the hospital for the pesky cough that they just cannot shake.

My friend has opted to have a fundraiser. Yes, that's right. A fundraiser. To pay for his medical care. Only in America.

If you have anything at all that you can give, the link to his fundraiser is below. Even if you can't afford anything right now, please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

Steve's Counterpunch to Cancer

It's really not that complicated...

A couple hundred years ago, a new society was created. This burgeoning society decided it needed laws as well as a way to uphold those laws. Over the years, this society changed its mind from time to time regarding the specific laws in place, but it never changed its mind about having laws or about having a legal system to enforce those laws.

The idea was that the laws would apply to everyone. The purpose of the laws was to protect individuals and society. Often the intent was to protect from physical harm - though far too often laws were intended to protect from moral harm or were based on the beliefs of a certain religion - in order to provide safety to the citizenry.

Over the couple of hundred years this society has been around, the laws have changed. The laws have changed for different reasons. Sometimes new harms are created or discovered. Sometimes it is decided that people no longer need to be protected from a certain harm. Sometimes morality changes and the laws follow suit. Sometimes different religions and their beliefs take precedence. Sometimes religions themselves update their beliefs and relevant law follows suit.

How the laws came to be changed varies. Most of the time it was an incredibly boring and mundane process. A bill was introduced. People voted. The law changed. Sometimes it was not at all boring or mundane. Sometimes it required blood and sacrifice from countless people. Many slaves were owned, beaten, raped, abused, hanged, and generally dehumanized and many abolitionists were threatened, beaten, abused, raped, and killed before those particular laws were changed. A war was fought. A president was killed. And over 100 years later, life is still unequal.

Over the lifetime (to date) of this society, most people have followed the laws most of the time. This is part of what kept the society running, what allowed it to be successful. Yes, there have been laws that people so objected to that they were willing to lay down their very lives in order to get them overturned. And as long as this society (our society, just in case you didn't connect those dots) continues to base laws on religion-based morality, there will continue to be laws that people object to enough to risk their very lives in their efforts to get them overturned.

But the interesting thing is, these people who will lay down their lives in their efforts to see particular laws overturned generally do their protesting legally. If they march, they get a permit. If they have a rally, they get a permit. They don't resort to hate speech. They don't incite violence. They don't act violently.

Which brings me to my point.

Laws provide order. Laws help us avoid chaos. They are necessary. When there are laws that aren't fair or right or just, when there are laws that need to be overturned, there are legal ways to go about getting that done. And citizens have been doing just that for over 200 years.

So here's where it gets really simple: You don't get to pick and choose which laws you follow and which you ignore. If you don't agree with the law, work within the law to get it changed. If you decide not to do that, if you decide to simply disregard the law and carry on your merry way, be prepared to pay the price. Thinking the law is stupid is no excuse for breaking it. You may get lucky and get away with it. But if you don't, if you get caught, if you get punished, don't be surprised. And don't whine about how unfair it is. Put on your big boy/girl pants and face the music.

It's really not that complicated.

Bet you don't know where this is going...

You're so mean,
When you talk about yourself.
You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead.
                                                 ~Pink, lyrics from the song Perfect

So I happen to love this song. If you are not familiar with it, look up the rest of the lyrics. It's a really lovely song.

One of the reasons I love the song, of course, is because I can so relate to it. More often than not, the voices in my head are not particularly kind to me. From time to time I do try to make them be a bit nicer, but so far I have not had much long-term success with this. Depression certainly doesn't help. Just as the negative self talk doesn't help the depression. It's an ugly cycle.

It does help, though, to have people in your life who think you are good enough just as you are. Better than good enough even. I have a couple of friends who think I am wonderful and can do nearly anything. It makes me uncomfortable on the one hand, but all warm and fuzzy and liked on the other hand. It confuses me, makes me wonder what exactly people see when they look at me (when they look at ME that is, not just my candy coating).

The bottom line point here though (I made myself have one) is that I love my friends. The real ones. The ones who know me well enough to know about the stupid things I think and say and do and still think I'm wonderful and can do nearly anything. Because you see, I have some friends who are simply amazing people. And if those people think I am worthy, then I must be!

Friends rock.

I'm sorry, what year is this?

So I just ran across an article on cnn.com with this title: Lawsuit: Race-based request sidelined Michigan nurse. In a nutshell, a man asked that no African-Americans be allowed to care for his baby. So Tonya Battle -- who has worked at the hospital for 25 years -- was reassigned. A note was even added to the baby's chart that no African-Americans be allowed to care for the baby, per dad's request.

Now, I do think parents have a responsibility to be sure their children receive the best care possible, and I do think parents have a right to question those caring for their children. I even think parents have the right to ask that a particular caretaker stay away, when there is a legitimate reason. Legitimate reasons when it comes to hospital staff are going to be few and far between. If you actually witness someone mistreating your child, that would be a legitimate reason. If someone is just completely inappropriate with you and so you don't want to deal with them, that would be a legitimate reason. And by inappropriate I mean someone who is actually verbally abusive or someone who sexually harasses you. I do not mean someone who is rude or who doesn't kowtow to your every whim.

If a parent doesn't want an African-American or a homosexual or a woman or little green men caring for his child, then he has the right to stand by that choice. But that's something he needs to take into account when choosing a doctor's office or a hospital. If he has difficulty finding a facility that meets his requirements, well, that's his problem. He even has the right to go into the hospital and request that no African-Americans care for his child. However, and this is where this story goes off the rails, the hospital should absolutely have told him they would not honor that request, that they did not making staffing decisions based on the racist whims of their patients.

I don't have children, I admit that. However, it seems to me that if I did have a baby, I would be interested in having the very best caring for that baby. A nurse who has been with the facility for twenty-five years is likely good at her job. If she wasn't, she would have left, been fired, or been forced out before now.

I cannot imagine caring if the doctors and nurses are black or white or brown or blue or green. I cannot imagine caring if the doctors and nurses are Christian or Jewish or Hindu. I cannot imagine caring if the doctors and nurses are total hotties or complete toads. I cannot imagine caring if the doctors and nurses prefer same-sex or opposite-sex bed partners. None of that would matter when it came to the care of my child.* All that would matter would be that my child was cared for.

The article also mentions that the hospital lawyer objected to the hospital's actions, at which point the note was removed from the baby's file and the father was told that his request would no longer be honored. Assuming this was done before the story hit the news, then bravo. Someone in that hospital has a brain.

Finally, it makes me so sad that a parent made this request in 2013 (or 2012 or 2011 or whenever this happened). Sometimes it seems we will never move beyond this kind of stupidity in this country.


*Okay, none of that matters anyway, ever, not just when discussing the care of an infant. Well there is one time when it matters. When you're hoping to invite a particular person to be your bedmate and that person prefers whichever sex you are not... well, that's a bit of a problem.